Irreparable; Once Again I Am by Bobby Steve Baker

Irreparable

Sunlight flicks the pineal switch

and The Clever Boy roils out of bed

slipping unseen past the Scylla and Charybdis

of agitation and lethargy

Feet skim the shock of bare slate floor

and he remembers—

for an abstruse moment

he remembers that he forgot he was broken—

and does not know how to mend himself.

Once Again I Am

unwillingly awake.

I shield my eyes.

Daylight sleep is bad but better than night.

The ambush comes at night.

I never see them till they’re dead

just children, dismembered, burning

my rifle, my grenades.

Fragmented, no warning, no aura

no preamble to the frozen trembling, screaming

anger at nothing anger at everything, cowering in fright.

I have used up everybody who ever loved me.

Mostly I pretend I’m still

that clear, sharp guy I used to be.

Purple Heart, honorable, on and on.

The people I run into, all they know

is that guy.

They make him up and I reflect him back.

You can’t have imposter syndrome if you’re really a phony.

No care in healthcare.

The psychiatrist gives me drugs that make me stupid.

The psychologist wants to talk about my stupid childhood.

The social worker wants to put me in a stupid group.

I’m uncooperative because I can’t.

Can’t live with that stupid shit.

I need to pay the rent.

I need to buy clothes for my kids.

I need a job were they pay you to stare down at the floor

and tremble